363 - Why [ In the Blue Hell ]? Why?

 It's been nearly a year since I last wrote here. I mean, if I was writing this a week later, it was a day over a year since I wrote 362.

This has been how the past 4 years have gone on. I've become ever more closed to sharing with people, and more and more open to opening up discussions around bullshit, just so that my mind keeps at ease, knowing I'm "talking" to people.

It's not like I don't care for people, which I fucking do. It's that I just don't get tangible results of so many people caring about me, I've started giving up on people. Yes, there were countably many people who helped through the way, some more and some less, and if you are reading this first handed, you are one of the countably many [ while one of you definitely does not read this first handed ], but I've came to terms with the fact that I should not be having expectations from people around me.

Truth be told, I've been through shit for the entirety of 2021, and I've been helped by so many dear to me, and that was just so and that is past now.

I should work on opening up a little bit more, letting people know a bit more of valuable stuff about me, and hope for the best.

P.S : I know this probably has errors, but I just didn't give a rats ass.

362 - And then, there was one

It's been a while. I barely recall the last time I opened this page to write about something. I barely even recall half of the people whom I know used to read this blog.

I have changed through the past year, so has my goals, so has my circle of trust, and so has my thoughts.

I even changed the way I sleep at night, like literally, even the way my body poses while I sleep. That and the fact that my teeth grind against one another throughout the night. Last time I had that for this long, it was back when I was five. And then it got fixed, no one knows how. I had this coming and going for the rest of my life since then, but it was on the moments of stress, first timers, crap like that. But damn it has come to stay this time, and I don't recall a night through the past year which I didn't suffer from this, and I sure as hell don't recall a morning in the given time which I woke up without my jaw trying to keep away from my body, since it aches so bad.

It's been a while, for some so many things, and some I don't even miss.

But this last one I miss. I miss having a fine night sleep without grinding the hell out of my jaws. I get good enough of a sleep at nights, and my mind is relaxed, and I'm happy and energetic in the morning all right. But "O Good Gracious Lord" does my lower jaw hurt in the morning? And I miss that. I miss not having a painful jaw in the morning.

361 - Early Morning Rituals

You wake up in the morning to the smell of freshly brewed coffee, turn around to the sound of her steps before you open up your eyes, just to catch her shiny smile, first thing in the morning. Then you just realize she is wearing the shirt you were wearing the night before when you both got home. The smile on your face brightens. She come closer, mornin' she says, while leaning in to kiss you, tasting all the dreams you had the night before.

360 - When We're Gettin' Done

We are not here to last, since that's physically impossible.

But we can make something that lasts, for ages to come.

So, we are here to make something that lasts for ages.

I believe in that, and for that I try, I sweat, and I wipe them tears off, till I get it done.

Put it words in the song by Sick Puppies.

Define your meanin' of fun

To me it's when we're gettin' doneI feel the heat comin' off of the blacktopSo get ready for another one

Enjoy some crazy music.

359 - Sucking

You know, sometimes I feel like "I suck balls".

I mean, in the sense that I'm not even good to suck any dick out there, and all I can do is sucking balls.

358 - You've Gone Away [ Soon, to be! ]

I can't recall how many times I left you alone with this city. I can sit and count, but my mind just does not work that well right now.

But out of all the times I left you with this town alone, when I was gone for a semester, or when I was gone for a work period in Genapsys, I can sure recall how each time you looked forward to me coming back.

Now you are leaving. You are just leaving the town, and I'm not sure if you'll ever come back.

I can not stop you. I will not stop you.

Just please remember, if there was ever a storm around, and you were scared, I'm always going to answer your calls and calm you down.

[ Not my typical blog post. Heartache going on. Best I can do ]

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I want to hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph, and I know it serves me well
I want to hold you high and steal your pain

[ Seether , Amy Lee - Broken ]

۳۵۷ - ورق

آره
راست می‌گی..
شاید یکی باشه که من خیلی دوست‌ش داشته باشم و هیچ وقت نفهمه.
آره لعنتی سبزه‌رو.
شاید تو باشی که من خیلی دوستت دارم، شاید تو باشی که من با خنده‌هات دیوانه‌وار فریاد می‌کشم، شاید تو باشی که وقتی حرف‌های منطقی می‌زنی دلم قنج بره و وقتی پای چت میگی «بغل» من خل شم.
و شاید، فقط شاید، تو هیچ وقت نفهمی که چقدر دوستت دارم احمق.