I gave it hours of though. Over and over and over again.
It's my brain, that causes nearly all of the issues.
It's not like I can turn it off, I can control it, or any thing even slightly close to that. I've been picking up hobbies to control the rate of thoughts, the rate in which it slowly [ but surely ] intoxicates me from within. But what happens, when the newly picked up hobbies enter your unconsciousness, and you do them with out any thinking. This is when they don't decrease the rate of thought any more. This is now, when they leave me against the wild thoughts, all naked and disarmed again.
I've been running around, running away from every thing there is, changed my city, kicked the friends around and juggled them for a while, even changed the way I sat behind the table to work with my laptop. And no, it didn't work, at all. Well, it did for a week or two, but things got back to normal. And since the hobbies have made it to the "No Process" land, it's getting worse and worse.
Sat down and looked back at all there was, ever. Any thing that I could recall. And there is one thing for sure, this brain is working way faster than it should, nearly all the times. The issue begins here, but doesn't end.
I'm looking at a pair of numbers. I sum them, I divide the greater by the smaller, and calculate the smaller minus the greater. Just for the sake of double checking, is the greater minus the smaller the positive of the value I just calculated. What is this one times that one? Bla Bla Bla Bla....
Some times I come to my senses. "Dude, that was just two numbers on a cars license plate? Just why did you do all that?"
It's so cute when you do this with numbers... But is it cute when you start doing it with every single sentence that every one important around you says? Is it even slightly fun to do this with every single act of every one around you? No. It's not. It starts hurting you, and you start getting mad at people for their smallest mistakes.
Mom said this small sentence when I woke up. Did she mean this? Did she mean that? Did she .....?
Dear friend didn't show up for my birthday. Is it because he is mad at me? What is he mad about? Is it the incident that happened two months ago or the one that occurred 5 days ago? Well, if he was mad about the earlier, the later wouldn't happen now, would it? Or maybe he just played along and now he is mad at both. O GOD!
You know, people get tired. People are not normally cool to stay around some one crazy. And we are talking some hard level of crazy. [ Like right now I'm pissed at this scroll bar on the left side of my text. This obviously should be on left when I'm writing from left to right. This level of craziness is bad ]
What happens? Either people move away, and those who happen to be your level crazy stay around and you guys just take each other to the next level which is madness, or some of your friends stay to help you when they see this is getting out of control.
Now you know what happens if they stay? Your mind starts beating you up after five months. "Man, you are torturing them. Find a way to send them away. They were not born to tolerate you." This actually makes it worse. It just makes it way worse. You find yourself, torturing those dearest to you. And that just makes you bleed more and more.
Some one finally leaves. Probably some one close to you. It shocks you. You come to your senses. You start acting better. The mind takes a rest, for a while. But you haven't cured it yet. It is to come back, to hunt you again.
They might come back, they might never show up again. I mean the people who left. But the mental illness is bound to come back. The illness that wasn't cured, it just comes back. It hunts you down again.
I'm here, standing in the midst of this second rush of cold blood to my heart. I'm torturing my self, and every one around me on the smallest things that my mind manages to focus on. It just runs away. Some days I wake up pissed. Since the brain managed to find a small piece of dialog some where yesterday with that close friend of mine where she said some thing slightly wrong. "O GOD! This is Disastrous!". Damn it, there goes another sunny day I was planning to go out and make some money. It's 1PM and I find my self hugging my pillow, in the bed, in the most useless way a person can be. Totally beat and broken. Who beat me? My dear brain.
One of these days, you just sit down and think. Now what is the problem here? Is it where I live? Well, I'm not a tree, I can move. No it's not that. Is it the people around me? Nah, they haven't been but perfect to me since I recall. My job? My colleagues? Nope, Nope, Nope.
Suddenly, all the fingers come to this one thing. The brain. The mind. The thoughts..
Well.. You can stop this brain some how. Right? Looked into some medications, but then realized I can not survive the life dumber than this.
Came down to this one last thing...
You can always end your own life, or your own misery if you want to call it.
There is that way to stop the brain..
I was waking up to this every morning, and there was still this whole will to live keeping me from finishing it some how. It was even keeping me from thinking how to do it.
But I won't deny. I was thinking about going down this road somehow every day.
Took me two weeks, and an old picture to realize there are still things to live for.
Ah well... Now I need to find a way to fix this crappy mind and tame it again.
