Monday, July 31, 2023

367 - Weakness

"To err is Human, to forgive divine"

I have no problem with making mistakes. I know I've done so many, and I know that I've committed so many mistakes that I'm not even aware of. I never had problems with making mistakes, I just tried to forgive myself first and then try to understand where what went wrong, go around asking people about what went on and how it could have gone better. I was blessed with a high count of high calibre family, acquintaces and friends, so those searches were nearly always fruitful.

So, one mistake lead to another, and I learned how to land safely, and developed good sense of forgiveness towards myself, and towards others as well. I went on and became divine, when errors happened. And don't even think for a second that mistakes rarely happen, cause they don't. They happen in bunches, and sometimes I see my self dealing with a large brigade of mistakes, but well, forgiveness grows as well.

Decisions are made in the brain, with a touch of hormonal activity and a dash of reflexes commanded by spinal cord. Brain is the king, and as I've mentioned this funny, but overwhelmingly true sentence a thousand times "Brain is the only part of body which chose it's own name". So, naturally the brain running this body has put a heavy force behind making sure it's forgiving it's own mistakes.

The process is very different when it comes to other parts of my body. My brain has developed a zero bullshit tolerance policy for when it comes to other limbs of the body. A typical short dialog in my brain when there is something I think I should not be doing, due to physcial weakness

- the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak
+ SHUT UP and do it.

Enter, the physical limitations. The flesh is weak, the brain is forceful, and then there are limits to it, physically enforced. Sickness and tiredness, the physcial banes, are there and I can't do something. I'd sit, rest, eat healthy stuff and get on medication to get better, but the brain is not willing to accept the given physical limitation and facts. And what does that leave me with? A really pissed off mind, while the body is suffering elsewhere as well.

That, my dear, is the recipe for the disaster that has been taxing me.

Let me clarify with a recent example that lead to this blog post. I went over my left ankle around 10 days ago, while I was walking out of the gym. I was just sitting there, in front of our homie gym with a cold pack on my left ankle, sweating cold from the pain, and I could just hear my brain shouting "Get Up, Get Up!" and then when after 10 minutes or so I got up to walk home, I was limping ( Daaah! ) and I could just sense the frustration building up in my head. The cold sweats turned normal, and by the time I got home, I was over whelming pissed. Did I take an "L"? You bet your ass I didn't. I went to have it checked, to make sure I didn't break anything because the cold sweat was rather unprecedented, and while doing checkups, I just walked over the ankle up and down the hall to do the payment and go to XRay and back to doctor and all and all, rejecting any help offers.

By the time I realized nothing is broken and got back home, I was furious. I was flat out red, and I wanted to break things ( Spoiler: I didn't ) My ankle recovered fully in around 5 days, and it took me one day on top of that to get a hold of my brain again.

I've been going over this for the past couple of days, even when I was busy elsewhere, the clock kept running behind my head, And I'm just trying to find a solution past this. To make my brain respect my body and it's problems, as much as it respects it's own capability of producing errors.