۳۶۸ - تهران

من به تهران علاقه دارم، شاید هم داشتم. قسمت اولش بر کسی پوشیده نیست، اینکه این فعل تبدیل به گذشته شده یا نه، اینجا نشستم با یک شیشه آبجو کنار دستم برای پر کردن شکمم و یه سری آهنگ پاپ در حال پخش برای پر کردن گوشم، که بنویسم و این رو بفهمیم.

من برگشتم تهران، خیلی وقت پیش، برای اینکه یه گهی بخورم، یه چیزی بسازم، و برای یک سری آدم مفید باشم.
گه زیاد خوردم، چیز میز هم زیاد ساختم، یه سری‌هاش رو تنها، یه سری‌هاش رو با کمک بقیه، تو یک سری چیز هم که بقیه ساختن صرفا مشغول کمک بودم. این وسط آدم هم زیاد ساختم، و البته مشخصا یه تعداد آدم رو هم از ریشه زدم خراب کردم به دلیل علاقه‌ی بیش از حدم به دخالت در امور جاری و تجربه‌ی کمم در دخالت در امور جاری.

احتمالا مهم‌ترین نقطه‌ی پایینم توی دورانی که پیاپی تهران بودم، این بود که یه جایی دیگه انقدر بهم فشار اومد که روابطم رو با اکثر افراد خانواده‌ی مادری به صفر مطلق رسوندم، و در مورد بقیه هم روی «دوری و دوستی» تمرکز کردم. نقاط اوج هم که ماشالله یکی پس از دیگری. با این همه آدم خفن آشنا شدم، کلی مهمونی باحال رفتم، باشگاه رفتیم مقدار زیادی، و خب چند تا رابطه‌ی عجیب و غریب و تعداد کمی رابطه‌ی «منطقی» رو تجربه کردم. کارهای عجیب، شراکت‌های عجیب‌تر، خروجی‌های به‌دردنخور یا خروجی‌های شدیدا خفن.

شاید تنها چیزی که بگم توی تهران همیشه رو به جلو بود و همواره خروجی رو به بالا، دوستان نزدیکم بودن. نمی‌گم اتفاق‌های عجیب نیفتاده در اون زمینه که بالطبع افتاد، ولی همیشه آخرش همه چیز درست شد. ولی خب بعد یه روز به خودم اومدم و درصد خوبی از اون دوست‌ها از ایران رفته بودن و بقیه هم داشتن می‌رفتن.

خوش گذشت توی تهران به من، ولی از یک جایی به بعد، دردش هی بیشتر و بیشتر و بیشتر شد. اولاش فکر می‌کردم به خاطر این داره دردش بیشتر می‌شه که روز به روز از اون چیزی که متصور بودم داره دورتر می‌شه با کثافت‌های سیاسی و اقتصادی‌ای که نظام مقدس داشت به شهر عزیزم می‌زد، ولی بعد یهو به خودم اومدم و دیدم که نه، هر چقدر این شهر با من خوب بوده، هر چقدر اکثر آدم‌های توی این شهر با من خوب بودن، ولی اون‌هایی که بد کردن، خیلی بد کردن، طوری که دردش به جونم مونده، خیلی عمیق‌تر از چیزی که از اون خوبی‌ها و خوش‌حالی‌ها روم گذاشتن. حالا من تا جایی که خودم فهمیدم، و احتمالا اگر دارین این رو می‌خونین شما هم فهمیدین، خیلی کینه‌ای نیستم. شاید حتی کلا نیستم. نمی‌دونم. ولی خب گویا اون بدی‌ها خیلی بدتر از چیزی بوده که در نگاه اول دیدم و فهمیدم.

یه بار داشتم با خانم دکتر حرف می‌زدم و گفتم «تهران برام شده مثل یه شکست عشقی بزرگ. بین فلان کار و رابطه‌ام با فلانی، انگار همه چیز تهش یه خط گنده انداخت روی من» البته که ایشون در اون زمان صحبتی نکردن ولی حس می‌کنم در پس علم زیاد خودشون به جمع‌بندی رسیدن که خب من اون موقع نرسیدم. چند بار دیگه هم فکرام به همین‌جاها رسید، و این چند روز که مامان پیشم بود، خیلی حرف زدیم در مورد مسائلی که این چند سال پیش اومد، و خب که دارم این رو می‌نویسم حس می‌کنم که گویا اون جمع‌بندی خیلی هم بی‌راه نبوده.

من دوست داشتم تهران رو، و گویا از یک جایی به بعد دیگه انقدر اذیتم کرده بود که دوستش نداشتم. حالا اینکه چرا و چی شد و اینها، دیگه گذشت ولی خب، این جمع‌بندی باید تایید می‌شد یک بار.

فکر کنم با توجه به اوضاع فعلی تهران، با همه‌ی گندهایی که بهش خورده، صدقه سری جمهوری فخیمه‌ی اسلامی، احتمالا جمع‌بندی ذهنیم در مورد تهران این دو بیت اول غزل شهریار باشه

از تو بگذشتم و بگذاشتمت با دگران / رفتم از کوی تو لیکن عقب سرنگران
ما گذشتیم و گذشت آنچه تو با ما کردی / تو بمان و دگران وای به حال دگران

367 - Weakness

"To err is Human, to forgive divine"

I have no problem with making mistakes. I know I've done so many, and I know that I've committed so many mistakes that I'm not even aware of. I never had problems with making mistakes, I just tried to forgive myself first and then try to understand where what went wrong, go around asking people about what went on and how it could have gone better. I was blessed with a high count of high calibre family, acquintaces and friends, so those searches were nearly always fruitful.

So, one mistake lead to another, and I learned how to land safely, and developed good sense of forgiveness towards myself, and towards others as well. I went on and became divine, when errors happened. And don't even think for a second that mistakes rarely happen, cause they don't. They happen in bunches, and sometimes I see my self dealing with a large brigade of mistakes, but well, forgiveness grows as well.

Decisions are made in the brain, with a touch of hormonal activity and a dash of reflexes commanded by spinal cord. Brain is the king, and as I've mentioned this funny, but overwhelmingly true sentence a thousand times "Brain is the only part of body which chose it's own name". So, naturally the brain running this body has put a heavy force behind making sure it's forgiving it's own mistakes.

The process is very different when it comes to other parts of my body. My brain has developed a zero bullshit tolerance policy for when it comes to other limbs of the body. A typical short dialog in my brain when there is something I think I should not be doing, due to physcial weakness

- the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak
+ SHUT UP and do it.

Enter, the physical limitations. The flesh is weak, the brain is forceful, and then there are limits to it, physically enforced. Sickness and tiredness, the physcial banes, are there and I can't do something. I'd sit, rest, eat healthy stuff and get on medication to get better, but the brain is not willing to accept the given physical limitation and facts. And what does that leave me with? A really pissed off mind, while the body is suffering elsewhere as well.

That, my dear, is the recipe for the disaster that has been taxing me.

Let me clarify with a recent example that lead to this blog post. I went over my left ankle around 10 days ago, while I was walking out of the gym. I was just sitting there, in front of our homie gym with a cold pack on my left ankle, sweating cold from the pain, and I could just hear my brain shouting "Get Up, Get Up!" and then when after 10 minutes or so I got up to walk home, I was limping ( Daaah! ) and I could just sense the frustration building up in my head. The cold sweats turned normal, and by the time I got home, I was over whelming pissed. Did I take an "L"? You bet your ass I didn't. I went to have it checked, to make sure I didn't break anything because the cold sweat was rather unprecedented, and while doing checkups, I just walked over the ankle up and down the hall to do the payment and go to XRay and back to doctor and all and all, rejecting any help offers.

By the time I realized nothing is broken and got back home, I was furious. I was flat out red, and I wanted to break things ( Spoiler: I didn't ) My ankle recovered fully in around 5 days, and it took me one day on top of that to get a hold of my brain again.

I've been going over this for the past couple of days, even when I was busy elsewhere, the clock kept running behind my head, And I'm just trying to find a solution past this. To make my brain respect my body and it's problems, as much as it respects it's own capability of producing errors.

366 - 30

 ( Context : What I wrote for turning 20 can be viewed here )

So, I turned 30 today, and I look as young as I looked back when I was 22 [Nice!] It's been ten years and half a day since I wrote about turning 20 on this blog. This decade of mine was the heaviest so far. I've returned home, had a couple of nasty arguments with friends and a couple of love arrangements and breakups ( yeah some of those were nasty too. ) Lost a couple of family member, as well you know how people just straight up die, and lost a couple of friends to this weakness of humans too.

I've failed in a couple of professional edavours, succeeded in a couple as well. I managed to run a small company to the ground with help of two other friends, and I managed to run a small company with a couple of friends and make it big through the years.

I had two main agendas for the past ten years, and I think I have achieved both in the 90% score division.

1. To expect less of others, and in the final form to have zero expections from others and always be ready for being let down.
2. To ignore peoples small mistakes and to make sure others small mistakes won't stop me from being nice to them

Yeah, the first agenda made me lean less on others which kinda sucks, and the second one made me rather vulnerable at some points, but so is life and so it goes on.

To put it all in retrospect, I made some critical mistakes but they all played out for the best, so I really did enjoy my 20s.

Here is to a decade filled with laughter and joy that passed, and to one filled with more laughter and joy that is to come.

Cheers

365 - Far from Anything Good

.... is what this life is.

Yet we eat, sleep, work and commute to reach some made up, idiotic and shallow goals of ours.

We rush to our destinations like arriving a minute late is just gonna shake the earth to its core. We follow targets and meet OKRs like it matters in the grand scheme of things. We talk to people like our lifes change theirs and like theirs changes ours.

۳۶۴ - اوقات خوش آن بود

 با گروهی جمع بودیم و می بود و نشاط می‌رفت و همه خندان بودیم. صحبت از دوستان و زیبارویان و رفقای قدیم و جدید و گذشته و آینده بود و نام‌هایی از پسران به دور می‌گشت. صحبت از بزرگواری شد که چه خوش‌تیپ بوده و آفرین و اینها، و افسوس بسیار خوردیم از اینکه شکم «عرق‌خوری» تیپ و ظاهر زیبای ایشون رو بهم زده. یاد دورانی شباب کردم و خوشحالی‌هاش و چند بیتی که برای من نوشته بود پیش از عزیمت به غربت.

مقام امن و می بی‌غش و رفیق شفیق / گرت مدام میسر شود زهی توفیق

دریغ و درد که تا این زمان ندانستم / که کیمیای سعادت رفیق بود رفیق

363 - Why [ In the Blue Hell ]? Why?

 It's been nearly a year since I last wrote here. I mean, if I was writing this a week later, it was a day over a year since I wrote 362.

This has been how the past 4 years have gone on. I've become ever more closed to sharing with people, and more and more open to opening up discussions around bullshit, just so that my mind keeps at ease, knowing I'm "talking" to people.

It's not like I don't care for people, which I fucking do. It's that I just don't get tangible results of so many people caring about me, I've started giving up on people. Yes, there were countably many people who helped through the way, some more and some less, and if you are reading this first handed, you are one of the countably many [ while one of you definitely does not read this first handed ], but I've came to terms with the fact that I should not be having expectations from people around me.

Truth be told, I've been through shit for the entirety of 2021, and I've been helped by so many dear to me, and that was just so and that is past now.

I should work on opening up a little bit more, letting people know a bit more of valuable stuff about me, and hope for the best.

P.S : I know this probably has errors, but I just didn't give a rats ass.

362 - And then, there was one

It's been a while. I barely recall the last time I opened this page to write about something. I barely even recall half of the people whom I know used to read this blog.

I have changed through the past year, so has my goals, so has my circle of trust, and so has my thoughts.

I even changed the way I sleep at night, like literally, even the way my body poses while I sleep. That and the fact that my teeth grind against one another throughout the night. Last time I had that for this long, it was back when I was five. And then it got fixed, no one knows how. I had this coming and going for the rest of my life since then, but it was on the moments of stress, first timers, crap like that. But damn it has come to stay this time, and I don't recall a night through the past year which I didn't suffer from this, and I sure as hell don't recall a morning in the given time which I woke up without my jaw trying to keep away from my body, since it aches so bad.

It's been a while, for some so many things, and some I don't even miss.

But this last one I miss. I miss having a fine night sleep without grinding the hell out of my jaws. I get good enough of a sleep at nights, and my mind is relaxed, and I'm happy and energetic in the morning all right. But "O Good Gracious Lord" does my lower jaw hurt in the morning? And I miss that. I miss not having a painful jaw in the morning.